I AM a dominant black woman. It is who I am by nature and I make no apologies for it. Independent is not a word I would use to describe myself. I am as independent as I need to be. I would prefer not to do it all on my own.
People often speak of dominant black women like it’s a bad thing or something negative. As if black women are the only dominant women in the world. There are many women of all races that are dominant. What’s so wrong with being a dominant woman?
Contrary to popular belief, all men including black men don’t want a submissive woman. The problem is that often we don’t choose a mate that will create balance in our lives. I realize bible theologians will say that the wife is supposed to submit to her husband. However, I find that statement to be outdated, unrealistic and partly to blame for many divorces in society.
Webster defines dominant as being the one of a pair of bodily structures that is the more effective or predominant in action. Some other definitions of dominant: superior or controlling; exercising authority or influence.
I believe that people are who they were born to be at their core. Many of us are unhappy because we live our lives trying to please others and trying to be who they say we should be. Why are we always trying to change one another or tell each other that we are somehow wrong or inadequate? I tried for two decades to live up to this standard of submissiveness only to feel like my oxygen was being cut off. I couldn’t breathe. It hindered my creativity and eventually reduced me to someone I no longer knew or liked. Taking the journey to learn my true authenticity and accepting myself was the first step to loving me.
The problem was not that I am a dominant black woman; I just needed to find the right mate to balance my energy. Someone to connect with who could appreciate me and love me for who I am. This is not to say that I am only dominant. I am a woman; therefore, I am many things. I am also submissive to my mate. Creating the balance between dominating and submitting is how I stay feminine and authentic.
Many black men are overly dominant, macho and chauvinistic which can often cause discourse in a relationship if the woman is also dominant. However, there are men of all races who adore dominant women and appreciate them. I am no longer working against myself trying to please others by living their standards. However, learning to know and appreciate who I am has better equipped me to represent myself and do what’s best for me.